unspoken tension

its obvious the tension is there. against their will and against my wishes.
this tension boundary have also seems to expand...due to acts out of goodwill?!
can't breathe in such a state. need to be seen in a different light...a different angle.
wanting to be away can also just be make things closer.
seems to be further away from it now, after being updated with details

for now, this rainbow cake makes me a little happier.
it would be so nice for a birthday or wedding, would be nice if its mine.
everyone take a slice of the color, a piece of charm.

Cake fr jordanferney via snippet & ink


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Sunny Window

Its been raining...monsoon its here for sure, days are ending in gloom, weighing on my mood.
Droplets of rain somehow drains my energy away, so imagine what downpour would do to me.

Gazing at the pictures on my tiny cubical, hyper-jump to re-visit the moments of that sunny July day. Sizzling hot day, holding a camera doubled the size of my hands.
Feeling the heat beating on my skin. A short crash course and went on shooting pictures.


The pictures taken by me were not as wonderful...but remembering the moments of what my visual can see beyond the lens was even more beautiful and interesting.

From nowhere a snail shell was picked up by him. The lushes green grass against the earthy mosaic shell, contrast all that washout tomb-tablets and having a wonderful sun shining over it our heads. I only manage to hear *click click*, the camera went off. With the details now hanging against the grey partition of mine boring cubical.

To think it would be more interesting to shrink into a mini bunny and walk right into the empty shell (must be empty else will be eaten by the "slug"). Before the shutter goes *click click*, popping out that bunny head and giving a big smile & wave frantically in front of the lens. What would the eye behind the lens feel?

Remembering that moment being more than real from a different angle.
Its not just the short 20 minutes shared.

-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

November ...Rains?

At the strike of noon, the jingles of the charms went off.
Did one knew what was going to face after a night of tossing in the bed? Signs came too late ?

The conversation sparks off...just wanted to know the answers.
It felt like a slap on the face with every word articulated.

Can't ask for more when one is not entitled too. Yet where do one stand in this swirl of emotion? Can't compare the joy that was brought by another.. both are different yet are similar. Bursting into tears the moment embrace was felt. The wall came crumbling down into pieces. Not that special at all, afraid. Questioned if such a ride will draw ones blood. Will it be cherish? How to balance when walking on such thin ropes?

One was bruised by the facts that cannot be sorted out. Credentials, any left to spare with kindness ? One cannot have the best of both worlds all the time.



-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Romance Reverse

Wooed, romantic moments, feeling wanted, put in effort for.
Something that thought would never happen..or at least to what was believed.

If bumping into the person,felt like seated on an express train ride.
On a direction with one ending point, all can be done is to enjoy the ride.

N hours of couple hood, from a wake up call, picking up, having breakfast..
Walking around n lazying around..holding close, hugging close, kissing warmth, giving spontaneous bear hugs and even occasional up-lifts.

Romance in total reverse order with a total stranger.
Kinda of unreal to the extreme? Hmmm dont think so...LoL.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Empty

Really dislike this empty out feeling.
Feels the hollow within, like a punch was received in the chest and the mind goes blank and innards numb by the pain and the heart just stops beating.

Such feeling was once long forgotten, and now...?


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

27

"...Is really extended pleasure??..." her thoughts went on~

That day, she met him for lunch.
Lunch wasn't suppose to happen as communicated before.
She was waiting for some short meet-up to happen.
But things just change from the waiting...

Available he became and suggested lunch would be good for both. Even tossed the suggested for some "exotic" cuisine despite his limits.

Lunch finished, pleasure and satisfying expression beams on his face.

It came as a surprise suggestion for her...when he pops the questions "Want to go to my place?"

The moment ended, sweet & bitter. It seems like adrenaline had been injected into the blood stream. Making her heart pump, hard at the moments that had taken place...Emotion surfaced within her, feeling complete yet not so; belonged yet awkward. This complex irony of life...hits her.

Extended pleasure...Freedom of impulse...Breaking Discipline...

13 apr 09
-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

On cloud 9 will Crash...

One at times must preps for disappoint...
Often it goes like "likes lots but..still a little incompatible.."

Tears will drop..Heart will sink...

Life moves on in a slower momentum...for now..
14 Apr 09
-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

New Vocab

Answers.com ~ jad·ed (jā'dĭd)
1. Worn out; wearied: “My father's words had left me jaded and depressed” (William Styron).
2. Dulled by surfeit; sated: “the sickeningly sweet life of the amoral, jaded, bored upper classes” (John Simon).
3. Cynically or pretentiously callous.


This new vocab was introduced to me months back.
Yet recently, its occurrences in my life has increased.

However sane I was & I am, its move slow, steady, silently, lurking around me.
It sips into my blood stream and became part of me.

Is it an effect transmitted or developed or an in-fashion phenomenon..


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Spell Off the LOOM..

Recently it felt tough..
It felt tougher this whole week..till the point my body is giving me all the bad signals : running nose, phlegm, coughs, stuck & tight air-way, shivers from wind and fever; worst of all my menses is LATE!! So much red-lights from my body.

I can't imagine in such a big org, i have to hunt so hard.
But despite the hunt, all that just builds the negative vibes in me, I could hardly concentrate anymore..for months..

But today, I was yet again given another wonderful companionship by my galfriends.
...


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

【方大同】詩人的情人

Recently very attracted to this song. The melody is simple yet the words gave profound life it.
I found the lyrics and even the translation to some abstract part of the lyrics.


作曲 : 方大同　
填詞 : 林夕　
編曲 : 方大同　
監製 : 方大同、EDWARD CHAN、CHARLES LEE

纏綿是首詩　很容易迷失　北風的朦朧不減李商隱的精緻
感情是首詩　要懂愛才能知　我希望像李宗盛一針挑中你心事
別像宋代李清照悽悽慘慘戚戚

我願為你背誦　每一首情詩　我願意做你的老師
示範著執子之手如何解釋　不願為深奧的感情　變白痴
我倆的情事　是一首情詩　要像徐志摩那麼癡
要像對押韻的堅持　要成為文學的歷史　讓我們要多美麗有多美麗

很少人看詩　很少人得知　擁抱時怎創作接近詩意的手勢
很少人懂詩　很少人情癡　莎士比亞的十四行詩快沒人認識
可我對你吟頌亦不如煙的往事

我願為你背誦　每一首情詩　我願意做你的老師
示範著執子之手如何解釋　不願為深奧的感情　變白痴

我倆的情事　是一首情詩　要像徐志摩那麼癡
要像對押韻的堅持　要載入文學的歷史　要這段情感動他人名噪一時

讓這一首解構擁抱的詩　感染這誤解愛情的城市
多少艱澀的美感快消失
可我們是少數的奢侈
我送你情詩就靠著　靈犀一指
走遍世界也能步步成詩　給寫成故事

我願為你背誦　每一首情詩　我願意做你的老師
示範著執子之手如何解釋　不願為深奧的感情　變白痴
我倆的情事　是一首情詩　要像徐志摩那麼癡
要像對押韻的堅持　要載入文學的歷史
閨房的文字只為多情傳世

=============================================
*执子之手 (zhi zi zhi shou) came from 诗经 (Shi Jing)'s 击鼓(Ji Gu):

诗经——《击鼓》

击鼓其镗,踊跃用兵。
土国城漕,我独南行。
从孙子仲,平陈与宋。
不我以归,忧心有忡。
爰居爰处,爰丧其马。
于以求之,于林之下。
死生契阔,与子成说。
执子之手,与之皆老。
于嗟阔兮,不我活兮。
于嗟洵兮,不我信兮。

赏析:

本 诗描写兵士久戍不得回家的心情,表达渴望归家与亲人团聚的强烈愿望。诗从出征南行写起,再写了战后未归的痛苦,又写了当初与亲人执手别离相约的回忆,一直 到最后发出强烈的控拆,次第写来,脉络分明,而情感依次递进。叙事中推进着情感的表达,抒情中又紧连着情节的发展,相得益彰,而自然天成。

My translation of the chunk above:
This poem describes the feelings of a soldier who is kept away from home for a long time, and it represents his fervent desire to return home and be reunited with his family. The poem starts from the southern march of the troops, and later describes the pain of being unable to return after the war. It also describes the memory of the intial parting, when the soldier grasps the hands of his beloved as a last goodbye, all the way till the last forced parting. The structure of the poem is well demarcated, while emotions are injected at the same time. While describing the events, the conveyance of emotions is portrayed, which does not detract from the tight pacing of the development of events; the two aspects complement each other brilliantly, developing naturally.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Make It Mutual

Chance upon Olivia Ong's song Make It Mutual.
The lyrics are so simple and ideally written.

A quiet moment making my footprints on the sand.
A sweet feeling comes surrounding me.
It's delirious. Now that's a sugar rush.
My heart is beating oh so fast, And I dun wanna fall too deep but I want to make it last
There's no need to rush. We can take our time.
Let it go the natural way.

We begin as friends? And who knows what ?
Where this could be taking me
In this nice cool breeze. Yes I am all at ease.
When I gush. And this sweet feeling comes to me.

Can't deny, can't lie, can't really face the truth.
And I wonder if you're feeling the same way too
You know what I would like? I'd like to get to know you more.
Make that mutual. Boy, you know you wanna know me too

This is how you make me feel. When you're here, I feel your vibe,
And I hope I don't fall into deep too fast
You're not the type, Who'll rush into things.
And let it slip away.

Yeah, I like your type. Caught up in this ride.
It's kinda silly but I'll say In this nice cool breeze,
Yes I am all at ease. When I gush.
And this sweet feeling comes to me.
Can't deny, can't lie, can't really face the truth.
And I wonder if you're feeling the same way too


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Pigeons...

Wrote the following on boxing day after a conversation with hammy

~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@
Communication evolution has changed so much over 1000++ yrs..
From taking years/months/days to pass a message manually...
Then developed technique to manage such process like posting services
More interesting ones was the usage of animals such as pigeons which hardly can depend on..

Now...is just a touch of a keypad or screen, and the message is sent out.
Yet the delivering some times feels the like PIGEONS..
Is often send out..yet at times..the message is not replied or at worst, lost in this data packet zone.

Very much the pigeon, that has lost its way or got gunned down by hunters. Else too many pigeons flying together..they just take their time to rest and chat. Or could it be the recipient, kept the pigeon the "prisoner" ..maybe they need them for supper..

-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

All About Christmas~

Pinky gathered all for a lovely pre-Chrismas dinner @ The Vines Restaurant
Felt good dining together after so long. Even got gifts from some of them..was delightful.
Food, wine, desserts...we had a feast of goodness.




Christmas EVE
poor poor day, I spent hours shopping trying to get gifts for those who gave me.
A headache i developed as I pace up and down Vivo City.
Trying to think hard on each items I should get for the individuals.

Was tired, hungry and feeling weak with every minute ticking away.
All that, resulted me missing the family dinner & birthday Celebration of my youngest cousin.
Angry with myself, that I had to head home and eat a lonely lonely instant maggi on my own.
I head on to chill with Sexy and gfs at union..buT it was not splendor at all.
Lousy was the conclusion but i enjoy the companionship i had


Xmas Arrived
Spent my dinner with 2 person, a sweet lovely gal & a generous boy.


Dinner was at Bistro Petie Salute.
The place so simple, and the food was simply great.
Delightful I had a such companionship over such food & wine.




Another lovely little one in the restaurant, just as sweet as the dessert I had


Boxing Day..
Headed to Ling abbot to meet up the rest for drinks & food.
I love the company..and she got me gift for me that pose with great challenge.
EARRINGS!!!
I love the blur effect of the tree

I made lychee martinis for all while we all watch DVDs
We tucked in to food, drinks..n filling up wish-cards for the xmas tree.
Ended up so tired, all spent a night at Ling's place..


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Climbing Guilt

Cause him to fall from 5m high..all to my lack on concentration and slow reaction.
Is terrible shock to him n myself. with a double doze of guilt too.

Dunno know do what can make that pain remorse go away.

-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Feeling the 'Familiar'

'Familiar' has always been there.
Yet now distance has be place in-between 'Familiar' and me.
Behave and act the same, yet everything seems different at the same time.
It feels simple, too simple. Unreal to some degree.

Stranger it has become at some point.
What was there to expect when the distance was created by me.
Wanted to hold on to that 'Familiar', yet the rules says NO.

Knowing it is there yet unable to reach out for it, it seems awkward.
And I seems to be greedy wanting more in my mind.
How to balance out this emotion within me.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

不舍得

和他一起吃饭，眼泪不由自足的掉下。
情绪-点都不稳定。
为什么要在离开后才有这样的不舍得。
人类有那么依恋失去的事物吗？
我把他下了一跳，自己做的决定，为何现在好相有点疑惑。
以大推的不舍得涌上心头。
现在的我又哭了。

-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

20 November 2008

This november seems unbearable rain befalling. Writing this, tears are just streaming like river across.

After 5 years, i feel tight in my chest when offered the change. A sense of misery and anger burst into tears. A wave of emotion dwell up the remaining of the day. Unable to dispense even with exercise. But with the awakening, things still feels as cold.

Next day, his birthday, after 8 years..is yet another tearful night I had to go through. Broken the ice we build up over the past months..giving our emotions the last stand trial. I don't know the answer to him is valid, but he seems prepared.
Such an awful day to start and end. I tried to avoid. Yet bond build in years, walls pushed yet fences around us.

Gave the final stand still to my time, his time and our time. I dunno is that a relieve for him, for me, for us. But for now, is fair and cleared to some degree.
Wonder is that the path to take on. What awaits for us, for him, for me now..



-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Stolen Right Under My Nose

Frustration build up last night..
I lost my "poster-printed" design bag..while it was place right next to me..
I never left my seat at all. Just quietly eating my porridge..and less then 15 mins duration..it went missing.

@ 2015 hour, I notice it was GONE!!!!!
Frantic yet calm enough still I made my way to the Police post while talking to Mark over the phone.

The only blessing was my wallet and mobile was on my lap while it happen. A split moment I decided to hand-held my stuff in-case someone gave me a call.

Made my police report...yet worry about burglary since my keys were in there with my mobile bill..sigh..Rushed home to wait for my bro to get back..Bobbi just barked frantically since i was at the door.

Finally got into the house..i change and went out to search...i feel so miserable..and tired..and angry..

Really needed to talked to someone..yet..no one was avail for me.
No one...
Nearly bust out crying.

Went home..feeling lost..and terrible..
Cilia finally returned my called after her reaching home...Then I was already drinking beer...Thats how sucky I felt..

Parents came home..and another row of frustration builded up..


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Oktoberfest

Is really giving me the pain and anger..
so so so difficult to get them to decide on attendance.
If is so..maybe should not hastily agreed in the first place.
I just want to go with a bigger group and have fun together with the masses.
Not much to asked despite a costly price to pay.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Awkward Filling

dumpling, often have the choice of fillings.
dumpling is a product of container (the warp) & the stuffing.

human, is similarly made the same way.
the structure of human as the container, the emotion & knowledge as the stuffing.

now..within me..the 'stuffing' is all wrong..
response received after many efforts given are negative..
silence did not made any awkwardness go away..
avoidance did not made any progress but generated more isolation..

how can break loose from all these..
should the care stop ?
should the distance increase ?
should the pursue of hobby stop too?



-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-