twelve

nearly 12 months.
there were definitely much much joy and laughter.
since life is never so easy, moments of pain and tears are not forgotten.
this ride had been very much an extraordinary. i thank you deeply.

a decade for me to learn the beauty of love as a child.
a decade to prepare me for ugliness of adulthood.
a decade went by for me to see the complexity around, and still more to reveal...

so am I ready for the next evolve?
hope the next time i do a sanity check, i can say with a smile 'it went well'

hence i pray for more wisdom and strength and capacity,
for the unknowns that has yet to come...

PS: hope my heart and mind can endure through the path of living.

 

frm: doodles once more =)

-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Blinking Stars, Black Canvas, Cold Wind, Running Water, and that warmth

Calm and at ease, listening to the the rhythm of water and feeling the wind.
Gazing into the black canvas to hunt for a planet among the blinking stars.
Engaging a conversation that felt close and warmth.
It felt really good...with quietness all around.
Very mesmerizing...misses it
But believes such will not happen again, after all it was never meant for me.


P.S: Trying so hard to forget that painful 20 mins of last night with the another 20 mins of cherished moments from the past.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Tipping the Balance

Felt trapped. A ride that lasted not more than 20 mins felt like eternity. Bringing the plan across was the most anticipated moment after so much thoughts

But it really did not went so well...they rebuked and it went out of scope.
Things that they endure quietly was released in that 20 mins ride. All this while without questions asked, assuming that I'm was managing well. Felt ashamed that only after so long that some truth only came to them in the midst of this.

Tipping the balance within them was not something I can avoid if i want the plan, yet I want to kept it at minimal impact. But now, how to go forward. Not sure how much hurt I have generated in that 20 mins.

I'm also at a lost.

-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Love The Way You Smile

Reminiscing in progress on the moments we shared, and looking at the limited view out of the window.

The head rotating getting into action.
The eyes looking back at me.
The face broaden up in nano seconds.
The muscles contract and shift into positions, rearranging the angles.
The skin folds into lines around the nose, eyes and cheeks, getting expressive.
The thin lips widening despite a little parch.
The blocks of calcium revealed like actors coming onto stage for the finale applauds.
This is how your face forms the expression.
This is how it imprints in my mind.

Its effort, a lot of effort taken to control thoughts/emotion just to smile at times. Be it smiling just for me, or yourself, or just to deliver a unspoken thought. There will be times I might not return a satisfying response. Pardon me.

But I truly love the way you smile.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

We are a bunch of Liars

Subject: "We are a bunch of Liars"

Few asked when they say this caption. Thinking that something went wrong.
Yet many would rather conclude quietly that I'm just ranting over some upsetting matter (thou it was near related) and going "ahh that gal a cynic" , but NOT!!!
But oh yes..i'm a CYNIC!!!!

L was the only one who applauded at this statement after skimming through the junk content written. Mind you, this was the very very LAST line of the chunk of rubbish, the postscript.

The opportunity

Being updated was kinda surprising but the one was definitely appreciative.
Yet going to her's and decided to go frequently is really something difficult to digest and be comfy about for the one. Is the line drawn clear at all?

Wondered why she was the one giving the ultimatum instead? Maybe the one's words & cries were not loud enough to be heard,  hence at this point she was given the opportunity to do this. But the alert was given way earlier (this of cos she didn't know). So does that mean she gained more respect and valued even more now? Is she the braver one? I think the one is an idiot if a cross examination is performed.

Can you remember?

With the year ended, how much can one remember?
Most would just list down the chunks of unhappiness, sadness and all the wrong-doings some other have did.

Underneath all that, there should still be moments to remember. Given with care, trust, tenderness, surprise and love.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

See the Seesaw

Knowing the other felt was awkward.
She want to care lots more and yet not reciprocated maybe in one or many ways.

Wished she knew that its not her inefficiency to love, but there isn't any capacity for him do so.
She is on one end of the seesaw and he, the pivot.

Sunny Window

Its been raining...monsoon its here for sure, days are ending in gloom, weighing on my mood.
Droplets of rain somehow drains my energy away, so imagine what downpour would do to me.

Gazing at the pictures on my tiny cubical, hyper-jump to re-visit the moments of that sunny July day. Sizzling hot day, holding a camera doubled the size of my hands.
Feeling the heat beating on my skin. A short crash course and went on shooting pictures.


The pictures taken by me were not as wonderful...but remembering the moments of what my visual can see beyond the lens was even more beautiful and interesting.

From nowhere a snail shell was picked up by him. The lushes green grass against the earthy mosaic shell, contrast all that washout tomb-tablets and having a wonderful sun shining over it our heads. I only manage to hear *click click*, the camera went off. With the details now hanging against the grey partition of mine boring cubical.

To think it would be more interesting to shrink into a mini bunny and walk right into the empty shell (must be empty else will be eaten by the "slug"). Before the shutter goes *click click*, popping out that bunny head and giving a big smile & wave frantically in front of the lens. What would the eye behind the lens feel?

Remembering that moment being more than real from a different angle.
Its not just the short 20 minutes shared.

-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

November ...Rains?

At the strike of noon, the jingles of the charms went off.
Did one knew what was going to face after a night of tossing in the bed? Signs came too late ?

The conversation sparks off...just wanted to know the answers.
It felt like a slap on the face with every word articulated.

Can't ask for more when one is not entitled too. Yet where do one stand in this swirl of emotion? Can't compare the joy that was brought by another.. both are different yet are similar. Bursting into tears the moment embrace was felt. The wall came crumbling down into pieces. Not that special at all, afraid. Questioned if such a ride will draw ones blood. Will it be cherish? How to balance when walking on such thin ropes?

One was bruised by the facts that cannot be sorted out. Credentials, any left to spare with kindness ? One cannot have the best of both worlds all the time.



-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

how so much i wanna your attention

As the title speaks..this is a diseases that many has.
It happens in so many ways, forms and stages.

"Attention" can be just a look, a call, a message, a touch, an email, a telepathic thought, a sign, a connection that could translate into the craving ones has even if is not genuine (or human)

Yet it makes sense, as all that is required is the feeling of existence by the subject that is craved for.

Maybe is an addiction and not a disease,
Or could it be an addictive disease?


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Wave

Wave..comes in many forms..
The oceanic movements of currents, washing up the beaches of all parts of land.
The energy in the unseen currents of the air...sending the heat up all the surfaces it can hit on.
The emotion within human that are govern by thoughts and responses, at times sends human into a frenzy mood like tides..

Spacing out at a certain point in time, feel the energy that encapsulates around that fraction in space, in distance, in thoughts, in emotions. It takes the physical moment away, like a wave zooming out of control..

-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Drained

Feeling so drained @ work
Not easy when people needs the attention...
Coordination, stamina are all needed to make the communication.
Coming to a point of doubting my judgment, quality of communication and expectation.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Pickup the Traveler

He came..after a phone call.

Pickup the Traveler.

Feed the tired traveler. Provided the familiarity & comfort to this traveler.
He gave aid and shelter for the night. In comfort and content it was received.

There an invisible line drawn between them, yet time again & again it was crossed with caution.


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Deflation

Word of the day : Deflation

All that airy feeling should be deflated when time arrives.
Is the process, natural enough..
As nothing is there to stay longer than the time frames allows.


-= A liTTle Cjavascript:void(0)razy worLd =-

Random

Random, a simple adjective.

So widely used in various context.
My domain, is not only mathematical & slightly scientific, it is a norm procedure created in nearly all programming API. Using the word, and performing the act of random.

But in life, random seems to be obscure and not very healthy.
It might crash the order, or add spice and color..Random..


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Unable to Pin it Down

Again on the editorial input page.
Unable to organize and pin my thoughts down.
Abit irritated despite so much conversation and questioning done.
I just can't pin down the legendary randomization process I'm going thru
Is random spontaneous or spontaneous random ?


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

New Vocab

Answers.com ~ jad·ed (jā'dĭd)
1. Worn out; wearied: “My father's words had left me jaded and depressed” (William Styron).
2. Dulled by surfeit; sated: “the sickeningly sweet life of the amoral, jaded, bored upper classes” (John Simon).
3. Cynically or pretentiously callous.


This new vocab was introduced to me months back.
Yet recently, its occurrences in my life has increased.

However sane I was & I am, its move slow, steady, silently, lurking around me.
It sips into my blood stream and became part of me.

Is it an effect transmitted or developed or an in-fashion phenomenon..


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Finally Saw

For months, I keep see bumping into guy waiting at the lift lobby in the morning.
Constantly pacing up & down, waiting..

Of cos..waiting for someone..
Of cos..that someone is a lady..
But thats all I saw normally, never the lady.

I began to wonder, this decent looking gentlemen, WON'T he be late for WORK!!!
Cos I was already late everytime i saw him, rushing out like mad..
So the lady gets to work even later !!!


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-

Process of Belated Birthday

Greetings just flooding in despite how agonized I would have became.
Dinners..lots of dinnerss..
One can imagine the calories gain every time a dinning experience had to take place.

Presents..goosh, thats what i consider the most difficult item
..
Sexy..how i'm actually cared for, sang for, dance for...
Hammy her little way to often stay by me when I'm agonized over something that does could have just pass away with a blow of wind
Ber finding time to see me.
My other buzy friends, often trying hard to remember sending me greetings since all so caught up with life n work.
For those willing to arrange n re-arrange appointments with me even birthday arrives, just to wanting to spent time to celebrate while i kept pushing away indefinitely...

I do wonder at times why i feel so when its birthday.
It some how never goes away..is the accumulated disappointments


-= A liTTle Crazy worLd =-